Need criticism please read the first few paragraphs and tell me what you think.?
Apr 15, 2011 by Leanne | Posted in Books & Authors
There is moment when I wake, a moment that lasts only a mere heartbeat but in that moment there is utter bliss. For the briefest second before I am fully awake I am almost aware of my surroundings but not of my circumstances. I wish I could live in this moment for the rest of my days but as my heart takes another beat reality crashes down upon me drowning me in sadness, in the harsh reality that is my life, my existence.
The first thing I saw as I opened my eyes was the dank ceiling of my cell. I had been in this room longer than I cared to remember. I cannot tell you exactly as I do not know myself. When I had been brought down here I had been unconscious. Since that day I had been injected with cocktails of drugs that distorted my concept if time. The majority of the time the drugs they gave me made me sleep. For all I knew I slept for days often waking to the sound of my own screams.
As I lay back waiting for the fog in my head to disperse the familiar metallic tang of blood filled my mouth. Instinctively I tried to reach up and wipe my face. It was probably another nosebleed, I had these frequently when I woke. My limbs felt like lead as I tried to lift my arm, the attempt was pointless. Once again I had been strapped to the bed. A thick leather belt encircled my waist, four smaller straps pinned my wrists to my sides and my ankles to the corners of the bed. I tested my wrist restraints twisting my arms. They were wrapped tightly, it would be pointless to try and struggle. They were too tight to slip and I would just make myself more uncomfortable. I had learnt the hard way that it was best to wait until he freed me, I still had unhealed wounds on my wrists and ankles from previous attempts.
Outside my cell some one coughed. It was probably one of my guards though why I needed guards was beyond me, I was not getting out of this room anytime soon. The small windowless cell had once been white but years of grime, spit, blood and other body fluids of the previous tenants had stained the walls and even the ceiling to a horrible grey. A single metal framed bed stood in the centre of the room, rusted from age it protested under my weight every time I tried to move. Beneath me the springs of the thin mattress dug into my back. Brown leather straps, bloodied from use were attached to the frame. The floor was carpeted grey, sticky in places and threadbare beneath the legs of the bed. I had not spent much time on my feet. They had taken my shoes when they first brought me here and I was reluctant to put my bare feet on the unidentifiable substances. There was only one way into and out of the room. A huge metal door that had had its inside handle removed. A small peephole allowed “him” and the guards to keep an eye on me. One day they will make mistake though and then I will make my move. I refuse to die in here.
Up in the corner of the cell a small black box watched me. A camera that had been installed recently. I stared into it defiantly. He would be down sooner or later, probably with thousands of questions I could not answer. He asked me the same questions over and over. Sometimes I answered but mostly I remained silent. It was the only power I had in here at the moment and I was not going to give it up. I had no idea who he was, why I had been brought here or why they were keeping me alive. I had decided that as soon as he had the information I supposedly had I would be disposable. Since I did not know what the information was silence had seemed the best bet, the biggest chance of getting out of here.
Before long I could hear the faint jingle of his keys echoing down the corridor. He was on his way. I could not remember much from the outside of the room having only ventured out once or twice since being here, both times I had been almost carried between my two guards. I remember flashes of metal and long corridors. I remember thinking that I was being held in a prison of some kind but could not understand why. I had not committed a crime. At least I don’t think I have. The jangle of the keys was accompanied by the muted shuffling of feet. Inside my heart began to race, I had tried not to show him that I was afraid of him outwardly but inside I could not stop my heart from trying to leap out of my chest. The cold snake of fear began slithering through my veins. I took a deep breath to calm myself as he reached my cell door.
Outside the commanding form of Doctor Martin Ashford stopped at the cell door of patient 7992 also known as Amelia Shaw. Doctor Martin had a fondness for this pat
this patient, she was proving hard to break. She refused to play his game…at the moment but she would they all did in the end. Once he had broken them, opened their minds and taken what he needed they were disposed of. Although maybe not Amelia, not straight away at least. Maybe he could have some fun with her first. She was exceptionally beautiful, even malnourished and unclean her beauty shined through. In fact he believed the tangled hair and smear of blood on her face added to her beauty and for some reason this angered him.
He peered through the spy hole before opening the door. It was always best to check. Although his patients were usually subdued there had been times when he had entered a room only to be attacked from behind the door by one of them. The drugs having worn off sooner than expected. That was in the earlier days before he had learned how much to give each patient. At first it had been trial and error sometimes the patient died which would have been a shame if he
cared, sometimes he did not give them enough and they felt everything. He smiled remembering those times, they had been fun. Times had changed though and now the façade of Summerhouse Institute had to adhere to the high standards of medical care and hygiene required of the hospitals these days. But back here in the long abandoned cell block, he chuckled to himself this was his domain. This was his real work, he missed the good old days when people were ashamed (and a little scared) of those with mental illnesses. They would abandon their “loved” ones out of fear and sigh with relief when they received the inevitable letter, Dear sir so sorry….. Back then when a patient had died it was not questioned, now there were all sorts of enquiries and tests. Autopsies, interviews, it was a lot harder to make someone disappear than it had been back then. He sighed to himself, patients like Amelia rarely came along. That was probably why he had taken so long with her. He wanted to make it last, b
Thanks for the comments, i know it still needs alot of work. I was just trying to get it down so fast i didn't take the time to check the grammar.
She doesn't actually have an illness and the doctor is not really a doctor. They are both supernatural beings only she doesn't know what she is yet. The nosebleeds are happening when she wakes up are from the strain of the "recall" she is having. The dreams aren't actually dreams but past life memories =)
"There is moment"
Should be: There is a moment
You're missing commas in places, for example "For the briefest second before I am fully awake I am almost aware" should be, " ... before I am fully awake, I am ... "
"my concept if time"
Should be: my concept of time
You need to divide your work into smaller paragraphs, which you're probably already aware of.
"Inside my heart began to race, I had tried not to show him"
Should be a period: Inside my heart began to race. I had tried ...
"at the moment but she would they all did in the end"
Missing commas: at the moment, but she would. They all did in the end.
Your punctuation is good except for missing commas in places. Maybe read up on comma usage.
Try to show not tell. A lot of information could have been revealed through action. For example, "Up in the corner of the cell a small black box watched me" Instead of telling the reader what might happen, make it happen. Have the box turn on.
Another example, "there had been times when he had entered a room only to be attacked from behind the door by one of them" Why not have her attack him? Not much actually happens in the story yet you give so much information. It should be the other way around.
"he chuckled to himself this was his domain"
Should be: he chuckled to himself. This was his domain.
"This was his real work, he missed the good old days"
Should be: This was his real work. He missed the good old days.
Be careful. You use commas instead of periods, not just the places I pointed out.
I think you have a strong voice. It reads natural, which is one of the most important things. I think if you show instead of tell and clean up the punctuation, it would be publishing quality. I'm curious what mental illness she has and what information they want from her.
| Apr 15, 2011
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